Chipotle (US)

If you have read about how this blog began (and if not, WHY NOT?) you’ll know that it’s all Chipotle’s fault. After going to New York and having a burrito more delicious than any other burrito ever, I decided to find its equivalent in London. Then went on to put on a stone – the things I bloody do for you, eh?

So you can imagine how excited I was to land a press trip to Florida, which is simply bursting at the seams with Chipotles. During the course of the trip, I fell off a Segway while travelling at around 0.005 mph, went to a circus show called Grandma and Friends where a man with a nice bottom did some trampolining, and discovered how I measure up to a manatee:

Mullies: Definitely not as big as a manatee.

Yet despite these delights, I was most excited about going back to Chipotle and checking that I hadn’t been hallucinating when I decided they were nice enough to warrant a blog which has cost me time, money and my sex appeal.

Brilliantly, when the press trip organisers found out about my blog, they actually adjusted our itinerary to allow time to pop into a branch on the way to the airport. Maybe in doing this I missed finding out how I measure up to a giraffe or an otter or something, but I feel this was a small price to pay.

The branch we went to was surprisingly empty, although maybe it wasn’t all that surprising at all, seeing as Americans have constant access to yummy burritos and don’t have to make the most of it when they finally find one that doesn’t taste like a baby robot only a mummy robot could love.

Chipotle: rhymes with Segway but a lot harder to fall off

I ordered the usual (chicken, black beans, no bloody guacamole), and practically swooned to see them heaping ingredients onto a huge wrap, rather than dribbling them onto a tortilla the size of a jam jar lid like they so often do over here. Plus it was only about £5. Cashback! (Literally. I got $2 change from $10).

Due to time constraints, I had to eat my burrito in the car on the way to the airport. @Dinehard was a bit unhappy about this, being a big fan of not sitting in a confined space next to someone eating a big stinky burrito. So, apologies to @dinehard.

I was a bit nervous – what if it was rubbish? The single branch of Chipotle which graces the UK is really rubbish. Maybe the glamour of New York had blinded me to the averageness of Chipotle’s offerings? Maybe it was all for NOTHING. But no, I was right all along. Of course I was. 

It was amazeballs with awesomesauce, where amazeballs are actually lots of very nice chicken and tasty rice and awesomesauce is juicy beans, pitch-perfect hot sauce and a portion the size of a manatee’s wang.

Proof, were it needed, that I AM ALWAYS RIGHT.

In fact, in the UK, only Daddy Donkey and Chilango have come anywhere close to being as nice. Although interestingly* this** comprehensive US burrito blog only gives Chipotle a 4.1 rating. Which means that in the land of the free and the home of the burrito, what I’d consider an exceptional burrito is, over there, merely below average. In which case, imagine what a 10/10 burrito would taste like. IMAGINE. Mmm. I am imagining.

Mood before: Smaller than a manatee.

Mood after: Bigger, but still smaller than a manatee.

Ratings: Food: 9/10, Ambience: 6/10, Staff: 7/10, Value: 10/10

Where: AMERICA, BABY!

Recommended?: Yes. I insist you fly there immediately.

*If you don’t find this interesting, what on earth are you doing here?

** This blog also was the way I discovered burritos are up to 1,300 calories each. Goodbye skinny jeans, hello moo-moo! *chubbysadface*

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13 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by TweetCashmore on August 28, 2011 at 8:20 am

    *swoon*

    Reply

  2. I still cannot believe your reluctance to review the UK’s most authentic Burritos eating experience. I refer of course to Chiquitos, Leicester Square.

    Reply

    • My criteria include that it has to be the kind of place where you go to the counter and pick your fillings. I’m afraid Ciquitos – while splendid – simply does not meet this criteria.

      P.S. I owe you a burrito.

      Reply

  3. Mullies, I’ve seriously enjoyed your blog…it’s both clever and entertaining. I can only imagine the frustration of finding a passable burrito in the UK. You can throw a rock in no particular direction and hit taco stand here, deep in the heart of Texas. However, even here, well within the bowels of Tex-Mex cuisine, many an institution still drops the ball on the most essential facet of the food that has faithfully served many a Mexican revolution. And that is the tortilla.

    The tortilla is a simple vessel to construct: All-purpose flour, water, a pinch of salt and (hold your breath) lard. Yes, I said LARD…rendered pork fat. Not vegatable oil, not shortening and most certainly not Crisco. Lard has caught a bad rap in recent decades. All that healthy, bull crap thinkin’ passed on by puritans and vegans.

    Proctor & Gamble, the makers of Crisco launched a full scale blitz through much of the last century extolling the virtues of their “fake and imitation” fat replacement. Screwed up many a baker’s living for a while. And we wonder why are tortillas are like leather boots.

    Find that maker of burritos who appreciates tortillas, the way tortillas were meant to be made and I’m certain that you will find that you are near the mothership, steps away from burrito nirvana.

    Reply

    • Ahh, you say this Dan, because you assume that UK burritos are as stuffed with juicy filling as those over there. When actually, even if the tortilla itself is delicious, lots of UK burritos are about half the size of a Chiptole US burrito, and cold, and dry, and lacking any kind of punch, and about $12 each. So we need to work on the whole kaboodle, not just the wrap.

      Reply

  4. you should have stopped at moes southwest grill blows chipotle out the water.

    Reply

  5. Posted by Claire on August 31, 2011 at 8:03 pm

    That is a very touching story… And one any PR would be proud of!

    Reply

  6. i wanna know how i measure up to a manatee

    Reply

  7. No guacamole?? *faints*

    If you do ever come again to the US in search of burritos, try Santa Barbara, 2 hours north of Los Angeles. It’s a beautiful vacation spot, and home of some of the best burrito spots in the country.

    I love Chipotle. The best thing is when you’re looking at the 8 lbs of filling sitting on your tortilla, and you’re thinking, “They are never going to be able to wrap that up properly. That is an obscene amount of stuff.” And like burrito wizards, they always make it happen.

    Reply

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